For this first installment I’ll be talking about an issue I’m sure many of my fellow Canadians can appreciate: Tim Horton’s customers. For those of you outside Canada, simply replace Tim Horton’s with say Dunkin’ Donuts, and I’m sure everything will relate to you just as easily.
So ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present you with my open letter to Tim Horton’s customers.
Dear Tim Horton's Customers,
I do not work at a Tim Horton's, nor am I affiliated with the company in any way. I'm just writing a friendly letter with some helpful comments on how we can strengthen our relationship and how you can perform better in your role as a Tim Horton's customer.
1. Let's say you are in a particularly long line at Tim Hortons. I mean it's going to be 10 or 15 minutes before you even reach the counter. Here's a helpful suggestion from me to you....USE THE FUCKING TIME TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT!
What is the matter with you? Don't you see the giant glass display case right in front of you? There's a reason they moved it out from behind the counter, so shit like this doesn't happen anymore. There is no reason why after waiting that long you should go to the cash and start making your decision. In the lineup I was just in, 3 separate people went up and asked for either a box of donuts or timbits, and then had to stand in front of the display case and look before they could decide. No....NO!
I think we should incorporate a new company policy where those customers get a limited window to decide if they haven't by that point.
"Can I have a dozen donuts?"
"Absolutely which ones would you like?"
"Oh um...oh I don't know." (sometimes they laugh here to let us know it's all ok....but it's not....it's not fucking ok)
"Well you have 4 seconds to decide or I'm picking for you."
"Too late. 12 old fashioned plains, fuck you. NEXT!"
Problem solved. Until that day comes however, please GOD start looking at the case befor eyou get to the front.
2) Stop making up products! What in god's name is a "apple crisp cinnamon donut"? I know they don't have those, in fact I'm sure nobody has those. That's not a thing! You can't just make it up and then get mad when you can't get one. It reminds me of when people would come to concession at the theatre and ask for shit like cake. The fuck kind of theatre serves cake?! Please tell me, if only so I can go there.
3) I swear if any more of you utter some variation of the phrase "I just want you to know I don't appreciate having to wait in line" to the cashier, there will be trouble. Yes, I've heard this several times now. Unless you are a king, Jason Statham, or Jesus, you are not allowed to say that.
That is everything I have for now. So thank you for listening Tim Horton's customers. I hope you take my advice to heart and get your fucking act together before I steal all your dogs.