I Gots Goosebumps Episode 7 - The Return of the Mummy

It seems odd to have a “return” episode when the mummy hasn’t even arrived yet.  I know there was a Curse of the Mummy in the book series that came before this so why would they skip immediately to the follow-up? Was it just that much better than the original? I don’t think I even saw this episode as a kid so this will be interesting.

The episode title is laid over top of a stock image of a pyramid, not the best way to kick things off. Wait….where I do this main kid from? Oh holy shit its Tucker from Are You Afraid of the Dark?! Worlds are colliding! Anyway he is playing Gabe and he is in Egypt with his uncle and his cousin exploring the tomb of an ancient prince. He says it’s spooky but also that he ain’t scared of shit. We then promptly cut to the next morning where they enter the tomb and he is immediately afraid. He also gives a bunch of information about this Summoner hand that he bought at the airport and how he was told it had the power to raise the dead. Having seen a TV show before, I’m guessing that will come into play in a major way soon.

Gabe goes to grab a Polaroid shot of his uncle and cousin together. He fails to notice that he drops the Summoner hand, and then somehow everybody fails to notice that the thing starts crawling along the ground. I’m pretty sure the uncle even looks directly at it at one point. The picture takes fucking forever to get as there is lots of unnecessary back and forth. “Haven’t you taken a picture before?” “Gimme a second.” “It’s easy, just push the button” etc, etc. Finally they get the damn shot and then Gabe notices the hand is gone, though he doesn’t give it even a moment’s thought before moving on.

He and his cousin are talking about some of the drawings on the wall when Gabe looks away for literally two seconds and his cousin is suddenly gone. He then walks around yelling their names for about 2 minutes. Not a great use of your 20 minute run time episode. It goes give us plenty of time to drink in the mediocre pyramid sets though. Finally something happens and he falls down through a hole. He then sees a close-up insert shot of a spider crawling across someone else’s hand and freaks out, with the spider being nowhere in sight in the wide shot. More name yelling. Sphinx head on the wall. Fake snake pops out of the Sphinx head, decent attempt at a jump scare but that could also be my starvation for something to actually happen.

His cousin and uncle (not sure why I’m so determined to not use their actual character names) appear above him and lower a rope for him to climb up. Apparently the hole Gabe fell into is actually the entrance to the mummy tomb they’ve been searching for. Then Gabe suddenly discovers the Summoner hand is gone. Wait…didn’t he figure that out earlier? When he looked around and said “Weird” after it fell? I guess that explain why he didn’t seem to give a shit but it’s odd that he’s only noticing its absence now. What weirdness was her referring to earlier then? I don’t get it. Anyway, he quickly gets over it when his uncle gives him a necklace with a scarab stuck in amber. Again, I’m pretty confident that will play a role quite soon. Is the young cousin drinking coffee? Seems a touch irresponsible to give her that but then it also seems a touch irresponsible to drag your young daughter through a bunch of ancient unexplored tombs that are clearly structurally unsound so we may not be dealing with father of the year material here. Oh also a scarab means you will live forever.

We are then introduced to a female reporter who just suddenly walks into their tent and is 100% a bad guy without any doubt. She wants to come with them on the search for the prince’s tomb as she is totally a bad guy. Why doesn’t anybody ask to see her credentials or her ID or even ask her what her god damn name is?! These people are right on the verge of a huge discovery that you would think they would want to keep on the down low. Yet here is some stranger who wanders in and says “Hey I wanna come too” and they figure “Sure, you seem like you’re totally not the villain, why not!” But guess what everyone? She’s gonna totally be the villain. She also has an amber necklace, but hers doesn’t have a scarab in there.

To continue their foolish decisions, the group just starts sharing all of their information with this woman they haven’t even verified is a real reporter. A guy shows up with her luggage but his sole purpose is to give us the standard “You can’t go in there! That place is cursed!” warning and then run off. The reporter can read the writing on the tomb entrance and says it reads “Let me rest in peace” to which Gabe asks “What does that mean?” Kid what the fuck do you think it means? It’s not a riddle, the dude make a pretty blunt statement. Either way the uncle explains how it’s a warning for people to keep out and Gabe should feel very bad that he needed that explained to him. Also in the past people have disappeared after attempting to rob the prince’s grave. Also also, there are some ancient words that you can chant three times to awaken the mummy. We’re over halfway done the episode and it’s all either been Gabe yelling out names or ridiculous exposition. It better all pay off in the second half.

Another stock photo of Egypt brings us into the next scene as the group is making their way into the tomb. They open the door, which takes about an hour to slide open, and enter the tomb, the first people to see it in 4000 years apparently. There ain’t shit inside. Don’t worry everyone, I’m sure something will finally happen eventually. The cousin, who up until this point has been smart so I’m not sure what happens here, starts chanting the words they just found out about and actually godes Gabe into doing it as well by calling him a chicken, once again proving that is the absolute worst thing you can ever call a human being and they will immediately cave to pressure every time.

Gabe then sees his Summoner hand in a hole in the wall, which grabs him around the wrist when he goes to get it. He starts screaming for help and everybody instead just stands there staring at him.  At first I thought they just didn’t give a shit but I guess they simply didn’t believe him. Not sure why, he hasn’t been shown as a practical joker up until this point and he’s screaming like he’s being murdered. The cousin grabs him and the two of them fall through a secret passage in the wall. The uncle hilariously knocks himself out by charging head first into the wall. Also inside this secret room with them is a very clean skeleton that looks borrowed from a classroom, not the corpse of someone who has been walled up for thousands of years.

They start looking for a way out and stumble upon the prince’s tomb almost immediately. Inside they find tons of riches and of course a sarcophagus. They open it but ain’t nobody actually inside. Finally, FINALLY, something actually happens as the mummy comes around the corner. It’ a pretty standard looking mummy but it doesn’t matter because mummies are pretty fucking creepy man. Suddenly the reporter rounds the corner, dressed as Cleopatra (where was she hiding all the pieces of that outfit?) and reveals she is actually a princess and the sister of the prince. You know, I didn’t fully notice it until right now, but she is not a very good actor. Also out of all the fucked up stuff that has happened in the last 60 seconds, the only thing that gets a rise out of Gabe is that the princess is holding his Summoner. He didn’t react to anything up until right there. Like wow, she is seriously just a really bad actor.

She orders the mummy to kill the two kids but the prince steals the princess’s necklace and over dramatically yells some stuff before breaking the necklace. I guess the princess lived in the necklace or something I don’t know she is saying a lot of things. It’s so weird that they are both speaking almost entirely in exposition. They’re just explaining their motivations and back stories to each other but within the fiction of the story there’s no reason for them to do that. The two of them already know all this shit and they don’t care if the kids know it. Obviously it’s there for our benefit but was there really not a more natural way to present this information?

Anyway after he smashes the necklace the princess turns into a scarab because of reasons but the mummy himself is still alive. Gabe throws his Summoner into a nearby fire which I guess kills him. Did I miss that explanation somewhere? With all the backstory they laid out I certainly don’t remember that key piece of information. So the prince is dying and the tomb is collapsing again because of reasons I’m not clear on and the three of them escape. Cue stock photo of Egypt.

Gabe is packing his shit to go back home and we see a mummy hand making its way into his luggage. Then the end episode ends with the line “Can I give you a hand?” Get it? Because she’s asking if he needs help carrying his luggage but she doesn’t know there’s actually a damn hand in there! That’s some awesome ass wordplay right there ladies and gentlemen.

Well that was dull. I guess the title did technically make sense as the Mummy returned from the dead but he sure took a long time to do so. I wish he had shown up sooner so we could have had a little less aimless wandering. There was one attempt at a jump scare with the horribly fake looking snake but for the most part I’m really not sure what was supposed to be scary here. I’m starting to worry that Goosebumps may in fact not be a good show and that I’ve made a horrible mistake by deciding to do this feature.