I figured it was about time I dip my toes (wordplay!) into the world of these shitty shark movies that have been so prevalent in the last few years. I always heard the ridiculous titles. Crocosaurus vs Mega Shark. Mega Shark vs the Velocieagle. Mecha Shark vs the Octoduckcat. For the record, I have no idea if any of those are real. I bet that first one is. I always heard the title, got a laugh, and then absolutely never proceeded to watch the movies. I know I watched whatever the first big one is that got people’s attention. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus maybe? Whatever, it was bad and this whole thing has gotten way out of control. I thought it was time to check back in. Yeah, I really shouldn’t have done that.
3-Headed Shark Attack was one of several stupid shark movie options I had on Netflix, but the only one that featured Danny Trejo prominently on the cover. That was what tipped the scales in this one’s favour, though I should have expected he would get five minutes of screen time, which he absolutely does. The rest of the movie we spend following a group of researchers and partying teens as they run away from a bad CGI shark with three heads and continuously make the worst decisions in an effort to pad this thing out to feature length.
I’ve never been fully on board with the Sharknado series (although I’ve only seen the first two and never bothered with the third and fourth entries) because it has been purposely trying to out stupid itself. The key to enjoying a movie like this is usually based on mocking the filmmaker’s intent to make a serious movie and how terribly off track the end results wound up being. It sounds cruel when I write it out like that, but it’s the truth. 3-Headed Shark Attacks disproves this theory because it seems to be a straight-forward attempt to make a shark attack movie, but it is not worthy of your laughter. It’s boring and is only worthy of your scorn and neglect.
Here's a shining example as to why this movie is a painful slog. There’s a scene early on…oh right I guess I didn’t do any form of plot overview. There’s a 3-headed shark. It attacks. Pollution made it I think? It starts out attacking this floating science lab and then for the middle chunk of the movie it attacks this yacht with a bunch of partiers on it. It looks super dumb. There we go. Anyway, there’s a scene early on where one of the characters (they are given names but they are all completely interchangeable so it doesn’t matter) swims out to a boat to bring it back and rescue the others who are trapped on an island or something, who cares. He gets to the boat, and then has no clue how to start it because all these characters are idiots. So then someone else has to swim out who is capable of starting the boat. But someone else swims out with him as a distraction for the shark. But then someone else feels they should be the distraction instead, so they swim out as well. It’s about a 10 minute of sequence of people swimming out to a boat and it is excruuuuuuutiating! There is also a liberal use of slow motion throughout the film, which I assume was another attempt to pad this garbage out to the length of an actual movie.
The one thing you could pretty easily point and laugh at are the performances. It is amongst the stiffest/flattest/general worst acting I have ever witnessed in a film. I had to rewind the part where the captain of the yacht issues the most bored “Mayday, Mayday” anyone has ever muttered. But at least Trejo must elevate things right? I mean yes, but he is barely in this and spends most of the movie on a boat that is heading towards where the action is. He has one quick encounter with the shark and that’s it for him. Complete waste.
There are really no redeeming qualities in 3-Headed Shark Attack. It does have nudity and gore, but the former is all front loaded at the beginning of the movie so if that’s what you’re here for, you’re good after about 5 minutes. The latter is all rendered in the same terrible computer effects that are responsible for the shark itself. I will say that the way they dispose of the shark is appropriately stupid, but everything else is irredeemable. I’m happy that I can now resume ignoring every single one of these movies that gets released.
Ok, I begrudgingly will give some credit to the tagline of the movie – “More Heads, More Deads.” That right there is the perfect amount of stupid that I can’t help but admire it.