Halloween II

So are we good then? Can we call it a day with the Rob Zombie movies? We’re not still gonna let him make more of these things are we? I think we can officially put those ridiculous “future of horror” quotes to rest now can’t we? By this point wouldn’t we all agree he’s not really the anything of horror, let alone the future.

Needless to say, I’m not a fan of the films of Rob Zombie. His music I have no qualms with but his movies are a different story. I didn’t hate The Devil’s Rejects but I don’t get the fuss over it (and there goes my credibility with many people right there). House of 1000 Corpses was bad but his remake of Halloween was just atrocious. An unnecessary movie in the first place, Zombie made his version into a scattered mess that didn’t know if it was a new take on the story or a remake. It ended up being a weird hybrid of both, neither of which worked.

Unfortunately my hatred alone simply wasn’t enough to stop the movie from making truckloads of cash. Therefore a sequel was inevitable. Even more unfortunate, they gave the reigns back over to Zombie. But you know, he could do whatever he wanted with this sequel so maybe, just maybe, it would make for a better movie.

Nope, it did not. Not at all. I’m not certain but I may have disliked this one more than the first one. It turns out that giving Zombie total creative control over a Halloween sequel is not a wise idea.

This is just an ugly movie. That’s really the best word I can think to describe it. Ugly. I know Zombie has spoken about how horror movie violence should be disgusting and how he hates when people laugh at it but come on man, this is a bit too much. I saw one interview where he talked about how little humour there is in this movie and how bleak and dark it is (not his exact words but you get the general idea). He certainly delivers on that but seriously who wants to watch this? Halloween was never about that shit. I know, I know it’s a re-imagining of the franchise but couldn’t he have re-imagined it as something I don’t know, GOOD?!

The violence is just excessive to a ridiculous point in this movie. I get that it’s a slasher movie but everything here is just so, like I said before, ugly. And even though the kills may be gory, they certainly aren’t creative. It’s just people getting stabbed an excessive amount of times, and the occasional stomping in of a face. It’s overkill and seems to be trying way too hard to shock the viewer. It’s also usually happening to peripheral characters who have maybe two minutes of screen time, so it doesn’t even have a purpose to it most of the time.

So we’ve established the movie is an over-violent mess of anti-joy, although that in itself is not enough to ruin the movie. No there are plenty of other things more than happy to help out with that.

You know all those characters you remember and enjoy from the original Halloween? Laurie Strode, Dr. Loomis, Myers himself, etc? You won’t give half a shit about any of them here. They are written as the most deplorable human beings I’ve seen in quite some time. Laurie is constantly swearing and screaming, mostly at those who are actually trying to help her get over the events of the first movie. Also she has a poster of Charles Manson in her room, which considering everything she went through, seems highly unlikely. She is just a shrill, terrible human being, not the strong young woman we remember rooting for in the original.

Loomis is now a greedy prick who used those same events to write a book, which he spends this movie promoting. He is exploiting the murders and really doesn’t care at all. Also, this movie tends to ignore the small fact that in the first movie HIS FUCKING EYEBALLS WERE GOUGED OUT!

As for Michael Myers….


…well Myers has a fucking beard. I mean a really big bushy lumberjack beard. Seriously he looks like Hagrid when his mask comes off.

You do get a couple of likable characters with Annie and her father, Sheriff Bracket. Sadly they are surrounded by a cesspool of human filth that they are unable to penetrate, no matter how hard they may try.

On top of all that, the movie itself is just stupid. There’s this whole gimmick where Myers keeps seeing visions of his dead mother, all dressed in white and usually walking around with a white horse. It gets points for creativity, but it gets more points for stupidity. I simply found that this didn’t work and the movie goes back to it over and over again.

Did I mention the movie is fucking long? This thing is like two hours! So it’s not happy enough being terrible, it has to be terrible for a really long fucking time!

I’m trying really hard right now and I can’t think of a single redeeming quality to be found here. I mean the acting is fine but everyone is playing such a shit that it makes it hard to care. And Weird Al shows up at one point, which is pretty cool. That’s about all I got though.

This movie hits DVD and Bluray today and I am urging all of you to stay away. If you’re at all curious, I am telling you now you’re better off renting…well just about anything actually. Hell, rent fucking Look Who’s Talking Now! Danny Devito voicing a talking dog is way less painful than what you’ll see here. If you’re already a fan….well can I ask why? I’m not even criticizing you I just really want to know what people who enjoyed the movie actually saw in it.

I think we can all agree that Rob Zombie needs to try something completely different next. No more “I like bleak, unhappy shit.” He needs to do a complete 180 and make the happiest movie ever! I mean Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant with a bunch of cute little puppies on a beach featuring a soundtrack by Katy Perry. It can be called “Sunshine of Happy Loving Feelings.” No need to thank me Mr. Zombie, and please don’t eat me for not liking your movie.