31 Days of Action: Day 19 - The Mummy Resurrected

There is absolutely no way in hell that this should be counted as an action movie. It has no place in this marathon and it shouldn’t even by discussed as then we are only giving it more attention, and this movie deserves to be thoroughly ignored until it leaves us all alone. The only reason I’ve spotlighting this here is because I want to make sure that this movie is not able to use its trickery to get anybody else to watch it. Don’t be fooled!

You see the image I’m using as the banner picture for this article? What does that look like to you? Because to me, it looked like somebody made a lower budget continuation of the Mummy movies that star Brendan Fraser. You can’t blame for my coming to that conclusion. It’s the same font and colour scheme! Those three movies, while quite bad across the board, are definitely more action movies than horror movies so I figured this would be the same and I was curious to see what a low budget version of those movies looks like as their effects often look quite shoddy even with a budget in the hundreds of millions.

Well it turns out this is not in any way associated with those movies. I’m not sure how they are getting away with such a blatantly false piece of marketing but this is clearly the product of some people who made a shitty Mummy movie that they knew nobody outside of the direct family of the cast and crew would ever watch willingly, so they tried to make it look like it was associated with another shitty, but far less shitty Mummy movie. However it’s not a good action movie, it’s certainly not a good horror movie, and in fact may be one of the worst movies I’ve ever had to sit through, and those of you who know me are very aware that is not a statement that you should take lightly.

The Mummy Resurrected is I guess a TV movie made by a group who is determined to ruin all of the classic monster franchises as I see they already have a Dracula movie under their belt as well. Here we have six college girls who are supposed to be into archaeology but seem to have no basic understanding of what it is, often getting terms wrong or not seeming to know what others are talking about. Not that these six actors would have been able to convincingly sell that they know about archeology anyway as they are across the board terrible. Their delivery is flat, stilted and would seem stiff in a high school drama play. This is how a porno parody of the Mummy movies would look, only unfortunately here nobody ever gets naked and starts having sex for no plausible reason.

It also doesn’t long for it to really hit home just how low the budget for this movie must have been (reports I’ve seen online peg it as being under a million). Not only does the movie look like it was shot with the camera I bought at Best Buy seven years ago, but the effects are….wow. In all fairness, some of the late game effects featuring the mummy are not the worst, which is about the closest I can come to giving this movie a compliment. One of the high/lowlights is an early scene that simply shows some characters having a conversation in what is meant to be a hotel hallway. I’m not sure how they couldn’t find a hallway to shoot in but the effect here is so low rent it’s astounding. At first I thought they were simply standing in front of a green screen showing a hallway, and then I thought maybe they were actually in a hallway set that was made of cardboard, before finally concluding they may in fact be standing in front of a picture of a cardboard hallway. It’s pretty clear right here you’re not watching a quality product, and this is before you even get to the ancient tomb made out of drywall or the CGI shell casings that make the guns look like cartoon characters.

So these girls, along with the estranged father of one of them, are off to find this hidden tomb that they easily discover almost immediately as this “hidden tomb” appears to be a giant ass hole in the middle of a mountain that anyone in the vicinity would be able to spot with no issue. Once inside they wander around for about a half hour, spouting awful dialogue and being bad actors, before finally a mummy actually shows up and starts killing them for a few minutes before the movie ends.

Some of the death scenes are at least passable. People are buried in sand, wrapped in bandages and have their souls sucked out of them. The problem here is that there is no suspense or build-up to any of these deaths. Usually a character simply turns around and the mummy is standing right there. Then he does some mystical shit and they die. In all fairness, this is a problem related to the mummy monster as a whole as clearly you can’t get much mileage out of a rotted corpse shambling slowly after somebody. If they so much as walk casually, they will get away from a mummy, which is usually why they turn him into a human after about 10 minutes. He never turns into a human here so he mostly just stands there, lookin’ like a mummy. Oh, and he’s only in the movie for about 5 minutes total, probably even less than that.

What’s a little funny is how little of a shit any of these girls give that their friends are dying. Once informed they let out a weak “oh no” before moving on. They react as though somebody told them their flight is delayed 20 minutes; a little upset but generally not too bothered. Also the main girl is way too trusting of her estranged father. He’s supposed to be an absentee father I believe (I just remembered that when she first tells one of the other girls that its her father, that girl says something like “Well I hope so, I guess we can’t really know who anybody is these days.” What the fuck are you talking about?!) but she is willing to always trust him and go along with him despite his constant hinting that he’s secretly evil and up to some shady shit. Even by the end of the movie I’m not really sure what he was up to. He either summoned the mummy or was the mummy or I don’t know my mind was wandering to thoughts of grilled cheese sandwiches by the end.  

That ties into probably the movie’s biggest sin – it’s really, really boring. It’s not even long either; it runs barely 70 minutes with a really slow credit crawl at the end to pad out the length. It feels at least double that though as nothing ever happens. It doesn’t even have an ending, it just kind of stops. I let out a laugh of disbelief when the credits started to roll as I genuinely couldn’t believe that was the ending they decided on. Man, what a piece of garbage this was. Awful acting, terrible dialogue, basement level effects and a general amateur-ish feel made this one a huge slog to get through.

I could keep going but do I really need to? I’ve summed up my thoughts on this one pretty well. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this one could be a fun “so bad it’s good” movie. Yes at first it seems like a solid candidate but for every 10 seconds of unintentional laughter, there is 10 minutes of sheer boredom. Avoid avoid avoid!